Celluloid Trigger

Yesterday I watched the film Starman starring Adam Sandler.

I was captivated by the story and the way it was told. It held me in its grasp, despite the giant spider that guided Sandler’s character. I think that’s a spoiler, but I’m terrified of spiders.

I was not prepared for the shift in cinema graphic images being ethereal and beautiful to something far too familiar.

Near the end of the film, I started crying. I started sobbing. I held my hands in front of my face, like a child watching a scary movie.

The images took me back to my near death experience. I felt as though I was not in control. I usually turn movies that make me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t make that choice.

I thought about how I felt. I was struck by the visuals that were similar to the space I was held in while my existence hung in the balance.

There was also the desire of Sandler’s character to reunite with someone that he loved.

I cried uncontrollably for a while, even as I cooked dinner for the person I thought of and wanted to be reunited with.

My husband called while I was in the midst of this unique experience. He was panicked at first, but came to understand as I managed to utter words to explain.

My nerves were shot and I couldn’t socialize with my family. I retreated to my bedroom and attempted to process the movie and the evening with my dogs that know no boundaries and don’t care when one of us needs their love and support.

I’m sharing this because of the impact this trigger experience had on me. I know from reading scripture that I can’t allow it to make me stagnate and unwilling to move forward and live the life that I now have with people that I love so dearly.

The life we have and the people we share in it are gifts and we should try to remember that everyday that we are blessed to open our eyes and meet the day.

It gets better…