So far, I’ve lived two lives. Threads of my past life have filtered through to the new life, but I think of my former self as more than a memory. I truly was a different person.
In my 20’s, I was angry much of the time because of hurt and pain I experienced from my childhood to that period in my life. Depression and Anxiety wormed their way into my mind and grew roots.
In my 30’s, I got tired of being a victim. I turned to the Lord and found the courage to make the changes in my life that would bring me a peace that I lost in my adolescence. My upbringing was solid, but there was so much noise around me that I couldn’t hear my grandmother’s voice in my head.
Once I put those “changes” into effect, I started a path to obtain the things I genuinely wanted in life. I was married to a good man at 34 and a mother to a miracle child at 37.
I have worked hard for my personal health, the family that I have, and the life we have built together. My husband and I grew right along side our son.
My health is not the result of any bad habits or deviant behavior. I haven’t fought addiction. I have fought for every day of my life with discipline and determination.
I was blindsided by my heart attack and subsequent cardiac arrests on January 22, 2020. My doctors deducted that it was diabetes related and to a lesser degree due to the unsustainable amount of stress I lived with.
I had a near death experience and an opportunity to return. I’m still trying to understand God’s will and what my purpose is for this second life. While I was away, my son’s name echoed in my mind. I believe that was at least part of the answer.
I’ve tried to avoid the things that made me a heart patient in the first place. Some things are out of my control. I can only do my best to find balance, set boundaries, and give myself the care I need and deserve.
I also try to contribute to society and give back with complete transparency about my experience. If that is all I can give, then I give it freely.
In recent meetings with my doctors, I have received the reoccurring message that it’s ok for me to live this life and break away from the fear that has crippled me for the past three years. It’s a learned behavior out of trauma, so it is very difficult to purge.
I do know that there are things that I want from this second life. I want to travel with my boys, my husband and son. I guess know I have to say my men because I’m blessed to watch my son grow and become a handsome young man. I want to celebrate his graduation and hopefully become a grandma in this life. I want to change my script. I want to infuse hope and joy wherever and whenever I can.
I’m still writing about this experience. If anyone has watched my videos on YouTube, it’s a painful process, but I push through it because I know it’s value not just for my healing, but to help others in the same place and message to others that may be at risk.
It will take me some time. I’m in the severe risk category in our pandemic world, so I still mask. I use the necessary caution so that I can stay far away from a hospital’s ICU department. I do it for my loved ones and their lives and responsibilities as well.
I will continue to look for messages from God and take the advice of my doctors. I can only hope that anyone reading this blog will take away the message of making the most of their life in any way that they can. Don’t look back with regret.
May God bless you…
M. A. Marrissette, Author 